Raking Ashes

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Ellen knew they were a cliché.

Some small part of her liked that, the way people had looked at them when ever they entered a restaurant or club.

Something shimmered between them, an aura that made people stop and watch. Made them wonder why they had yet to find the person that made them glow like that, unaware that the very fire that lit them from within was also the fire that threatened to reduce them to ashes.


It was a bad idea.

She knew it….. He probably knew it.

Drawing the lipstick roughly across her mouth she scowled into the mirror, snatched up a tissue and wiped it off, before applying it again.

She’d done this six time already, and now her lips were stained as though she’d eaten over ripe berries, let the juices fall messily from her lips.

That’s how she felt.


Pausing, her left hand gripping the tissue, her right loosely holding the lipstick, she stared at the mirror and wondered.

Would he still see her.

Would he still be him.

Fuck it.

She put on lipstick, brought her lips together then pouted at herself.

It was too late in the day to start worrying about that.


Eighteen was so young.

When she saw eighteen year olds now she was always amazed at how childlike they where, how soft their features seemed, how gangly they were.

Legs and arms grown too fast, bodies waiting to catch up.

But of course, when you’re eighteen yourself you feel aloof in your new found adultness, you’re test driving a brand new upgrade of hormones.

You’re invincible.

Ellen had first seen Gino at her friends house.

He’d come over to borrow a tape from the friends brother…. A tape!

She laughed at the memory and how it seemed sepia saturated, like a period drama.

“I’m going to have him.” She’d told the friend, who’d shrugged, unsurprised.

She’d let down her hair and shook it about, she smoothed down her top and stalked into the living room to conquer this new boy.

It was a game to her, using her looks and her manner and her lopsided, knowing smile to captivate a boy, she did it even when she had no real interest in them.

She did it because she could.

But this time was different.

This time as she sauntered over and leant against the wall, one hand on her hip, legs crossed one in front of the other, and flicked back her hair, this time …

Gino had looked up at her and they’d locked gazes.

His dark, almost black eyes peering into hers, he looked momentarily stunned.

And then he smiled.

It was like everything in her body contracted.


Ellen coloured at the thought as the cab pulled away from the curb and headed off into the city.

Gino had inky black, curled hair and a nose that made him look like a bust on a Roman coin.

How many times had she run her hands through his hair that summer? How many times had she stroked the length of his nose and felt her heart stutter when he smiled at her?

To their friends they were this luminous couple.

She with her Irish hair and pale skin, and he with his Italian ancestry stamped all over him, together, always touching, holding hands, linking arms, he’d wrap an arm around her and pull her close in an almost painful embrace.

“Mine.” He’d growl like a dog with a bone and she’d giggle and squirm in his arms.

But it wasn’t all romance.

A well known as they were as a beautiful brace, people also talked about their tempers.

Their arguments were as spectacular as they were pointless.

Stupid things, tiny things, things so insignificant that they could never remember what they’d started arguing about.

The last big one had been simmering away for hours until, bolstered by alcohol fuelled rage she’d confronted him.

“Don’t lie to me!” She screeched at him as he tried to mollify her. ” I saw you! You had your fucking arm round her!”

“Ell, nothing was going on…”

She slapped him hard.

Gino grabbed her wrist as she brought her hand around to hit him again, pulling her around the corner of the building away from their friends stares.

She knew the glances and giggles embarrassed him and she took nasty delight in his discomfort.

“She was pissed, she’d just thrown up, I had my arm around her because the silly bitch could hardly stand.” His voice had that low hiss to it, like a kettle in danger of boiling over.

She didn’t care though, alcohol had made her petulant and ready for a fight.

“You’re a fucking liar!” She spat in his face and watched with creeping dread as the colour rose in his face and she realised he’d pushed him too far.

She saw it come towards her and flinched, snapping her head to the side and squeezing her eyes shut.

The wooden wall of the shed she was leant against shuddered as Ginos fist connected with it.

Opening her eyes she saw him stood close to her, staring at his bloodies knuckles, his whole body shaking.

“Gino.” She whispered and he looked up, his eyes wide and glazed, as though he’d forgotten kızılay escort she was there.

He went to touch her face, then drew back as though her skin would burn his fingers.

“Gino.” Ellen took his hand in hers, the bloodied one.

She held it to her face then pressed her lips to the knuckles, tasting blood.

“Lets go.”

That night he took her virginity.

They were shy and careful together, they knew nothing really.

She watched his face as he pushed gently into her, saw his eyes widen and his lips part when he got to the point where he could push no further and rested there for a while.

Ellen breathed slow and steady while his own was irregular, hitching, like he was running, not just resting here in this narrow bed.

“Are you ok?”

She nodded.

It hadn’t really hurt, not like some had said it would.

It was… Strange…. To be filled with another person, not her fingers, not his.

He started to move, slowly at first his brow so creased with concentration that she began to smile, and to hide it she reached for his face and kissed him.

In doing so she tilted her hips and rose to meet him.

She gasped into his mouth and he moaned back, kissing her name over her lips, her cheeks, her eyes, he shook with the release and nearly fell on her, so strong were the shudders that wracked his body.

“Did I hurt you?” He whispered into her neck as she lay there, wide eyed, her hips still moving, her loins aching, waiting for more.

“No.” She said quietly. “No you didn’t.”

At the end of the summer he went to University and they broke up.

It seemed for the best.

And that should have been that…..

Only it wasn’t.

Fate enjoyed a game and how could it resist such interesting players?

Six years.

There were lovers and jobs and seasons that seemed to flicker past until they blurred and then…


She looked up from her book, frowning a little into the sun that was only slightly obscured by the person stood at the side of her table.


It was, and before she could say another a word he had her in that vice like hug of his, after a second she gripped him just as tightly.

Sitting across from her he smiled broadly and she noticed how his face had sharpened, lost the last of boyhood, his hair was still unruly but only feral rather than untamed.

She felt her stomach knot as she watched the crinkle of his eyes as he laughed, she imagined running her fingers across his face…. She forgot how they argued.

When he took her hand in his over the table and said , “I missed you…” She knew she wouldn’t be sleeping alone that night.

In her flat she was suddenly shy, awkward.

She dropped her keys on the table and went to the kitchen to get drinks. There was beer in the fridge, she grabbed two bottles and turned to find him standing close behind her.

Gino takes the bottles from her and put them on the counter before troking her cheek with his fingertips.

He studies her for a moment before smiling slightly and, sighing, he rests his forehead against hers.

“I never should have left.”

“Why did you?”

There’s that tiny threat of an accusation in her voice but he ignores it.

“Because I was a kid and I was stupid and it was easy to just run….. I never stopped thinking about you.”

There’s a glint that returns to her eye as she sees a chink in his armour.

“Prove it.” She challenges and inside thrills as that slow smile spreads across his face and his body is suddenly hot and pressed close against her.

Their first kiss in six years threatens to bring her to her knees but suddenly his hands have hooked the back of her thighs and pulled her up and off her feet, his body crushing her to the fridge behind them.

His tongue’s pushed deep in her mouth, his fingers digging into the bare flesh of her thighs under her skirt, he breaks away and growls “I waited six years for this…. Every woman I’ve fucked was you. Every name on my lips was yours…”

She knows its true.

She understands because she’s felt the same.

Every man she lay under, every time she kissed, every time she touched some guys face, she looked for him and found them lacking.

And now he was here.

Moving her across, he places her on the counter and steps back slightly to grasp the bottom of her shirt and pull it quickly over her head.

Its barely out of his fingers before his lips are crushed to hers again.

She wraps her legs around his waist and grips his hair in her hands tight, pulling her body to his and not at all surprised to see how very well they still fit.

She pulls at his top even as she feel him tugging at her underwear and he ducks his head to allow her to wrestle it off him even as she pulled one leg up high and flicked her toes so the her underwear hung like some wanton Christmas decoration off the end of her other foot.

Gino was mauling her neck, as he fumbled with her bra, Ellen attacked his belt and bit him hard on the shoulder.

His teeth left her skin as etlik escort he hissed at the sensation and he pulled away holding her at arms length.

She shuddered, felt her hips moving slightly, wanting to wrap her legs around him again.

From where she sat she could see the faint marks her teeth had left on his skin, but her eyes flickered back to his, tried to read his gaze.

Suddenly he pulled her off the counter and, spinning her round, pushed her so that she was bent across it.

With one hand he held her down, with the other he yanked at the buttons of his jean, pulling them down roughly.

With her breasts and face pushed against the cold of the granite counter top she tried to push up against him, tried to turn, but he held her fast.

A quick, animal panic shot through her and she bucked hard against him, but then his lips were at her ear.

“Same old Ellen.” He whispered to her.

She felt his free hand stroking the skin inside her thighs and automatically parted them slightly.

“No one ever did clip your claws then? I’d wondered if anyone could.”

She moaned softly as fingers moved up, softly petting her lips, an infuriatingly light touch she could neither move away from or towards.

“I’m glad no one did. I thought about you every day Ellen. Every. Day.”

“You did?” Her voice came out husky, thick. She licked her lips and shuddered as his fingers gently pushed inside her.

“Every. Day.”

He took his hand from between her thighs and she moaned in dissappointmet before gasping at the realisation he was pushing into her.

She wasn’t tall enough to reach the floor, her hip bones dug painfully into the counter as her feet dangled a few inches from the ground.

Her breath came in short sharp bursts as he buried himself in her, then she felt his free hand come round, wrapped around her hips, pulling her up so that he had her in the tightest of grips and all she could do was grasp the edge of the counter as he proceeded to fuck her hard and fast until it felt like she couldn’t breath, all the air was fucked out of her, she could only hang there, mouth open, silent.

She felt a bead of sweat fall from his head and slide down her shoulder, coming to rest in the small of her back.

Then she was coming.

Out of nowhere it built up like an avalanche, gaining speed at a furious rate until she was crying out, shrilly, in astonishment… This is not how it works. Her brain said.

Now he joined her, thrusting harder still, like he was sprinting to the finish line, he pushed deep inside her and as she still shook and gasped from her own orgasm she pushed back against him to meet his.

He leant over her, presses his damp chest to her back and slowly their breathing slows and synchronises.

Gino plants a kiss on her shoulder and pulls out of her.

She’s self conscious suddenly, bent over this counter, her shoes still on, her skirt pushed up around her hips.

Ellen slides down and hastily pull her skirt down, folds her arms across her chest, feels a blush rise in her cheeks.

He also seems surprisingly awkward, turns away from her slightly and pulls his jeans back up, hands Ellen her shirt, picks up his own.

For a moment they stand in silence.

Ellen can feel dampness creeping down the inside of her thighs and she presses them together.

“I didn’t think it would be like this.”

She looks up at him and frowns. “Oh.”

Can’t keep the dissappointment out of her voice.

“No. No,I don’t mean ….. fuck….” He rakes his hands through his hair and for a moment he looks she remembered him, he looks like a boy.

“I just meant….. I imagined us….. Well….. More hearts and flowers? Not this.”

This time her cheeks bloom in anger and she snatched up one of the beers, ripped the cap off with a bottle opener.

Taking a long draft she then glared at him. “Are you saying I cheapened it? Ruined your dream moment?”

Gino takes up the other beer .

“No.” He pops the top and drinks from it. “Ellen. I built us up. I built you up, until we were this thing… This Hollywood story…. Fuck I don’t know…..” He broke off and pulled his shirt on.

“You’re not making sense.”

With an exasperated sigh he went to her, took her face in his hands and kissed her.

“When I saw you in the café I just wanted you again. I’d missed your smile and your laugh and your stupid jokes and the way you got animated about a book or a movie or a song…..”

He ran a finger across her cheek bone.

“… But when I saw you here, in this kitchen I just wanted to be inside you.”

She glanced away, bashful suddenly at his honesty.

“All I could think about was how you’d feel, how your skin would feel, your hair, your cunt…”


“…. How you’d smell, how you’d taste…”

She turned her head but he held her chin firmly and made her look at him.

“I’ve had six years learning who I am….. And six years knowing I wanted to be that person with you.”

She stared at him. Struggled to take in what he’d demetevler escort said.

“I don’t know who I am.” She whipered finally.

“We’ll find out together.”

“I can’t live up to what you think I am.”



“Ellen.” His voice was sharp and she stiffend in his arms. “Trust me.”

And she did….


Rain was hitting the cab windows as though it harboured a personal grudge.

Ellen was grateful for a driver who didn’t want to chat, she didn’t think she could, not when her head was so full of Gino.

The few months they’d had together.

Heaven and hell.

An intensity she’d never had before, and had never found since.

She loved him, she hated him.

Wanted him to leave, to stay, to keep away from her, to wrap her in his arms.

He’d moved in with her within a few days even though barely an hour passed when they didn’t shout at each other.

If they went out together they invariably argued, accused each other of disloyalty, of flirting with others.

Once, when she’d seen an old friend in a restaurant bar, she’d hugged him warmly and kissed his cheek while Gino stood behind her.

She knew it was making him angry, could feel it like a presure pushing against her back, and becaue she knew this, she was extra nice to her friend, extra smily, extra flirty, and as he left she turned to Gino and smiled.

A vindictive ..and what are you going to do about it? smile.

He smiled back at her and put his hand none too gently on the back of her neck, he pulled her closer to whisper one word in her hear.


He took her wrist in his hand and pulled her along behind him, pushing through the crowed, past the diners, through the door marked private.

“Gino, what are you…”

He ignored her, marched on through the kitchen, where only a boy washing pots glanced up, and out into the back street beyond.

Gino pushed her roughly against the wall.

“What were you doing?”

His voice was soft.

Ellen snatched her hand away from him and made a show of rubbing her wrist.

“Oh Gino.” She said in mock dispair. “That was just Guy! I’ve known him for years. I was only being friendly.”

His hand shot out and took up a fistfull of her hair making her squeal in surprise.

“Its fine to be a slut.” He said, pushing Ellen down firmly until she was knelt on the damp concrete in front of him. “Sometimes I think you need to remember who’s slut you are though.”

She fought him and tried to stand up but he twisted his fist up in her hair forcing her to be still.

His zip was already undone and she glared up at him until he shook her head firmly in his grasp, making tears spring to her eyes.

“Fuck you… Bastard…” But even while she cursed him she took him out of his trousers and recived him in her mouth, moved her tongue across him, bared her teeth a little to remind him that she may be a slut, but he was the one in danger of having his cock bitten.

Gino grasped her head in both his hands and proceeded to fuck hard, ignoring her flailing hands slapping against his thighs, the way she gagged as he thrust hard, hitting the back of her throat.

He came in a rush, holding her head still, pushed full down her throat.

As he let her go she half fell from his grip, ending up on her hands and knees wretching and spitting, gasping for breath.

She felt humiliated, used, angry as hell but overwhelmingly embarrassed, like a child who’d been chastised.

Ellen wretched again, her stomach clenching painfully and then he had his arms around her, gently pulling her up.

“Baby.” He kissed the tear streaks of mascara on her cheeks, held her tight to him as she tried to pull away, he half lifted her so she was perched on the high wheelie bin opposite the door they had come through.

He’s murmering to her, soft words she can’t make out, his lips moving around her face, down her neck, his hands have pushed her dress up and he leans down to pres his face between her legs, breath tickling her thighs with each hot exhalation.

Ellens breath is still coming out in shuddery hitches, her nose is running, her eyes blurry, but now, his fingers are pulling her panties to one side and his tongue is on her.

“Gino….. No….” She goes to move away from him but he has his free hand around her hips and pulls her onto his mouth, making her groan as he sucks at her.

With one hand on the rough plastic lid of the bin, pushing her up, her other takes a fistful of Ginos hair, although he needs no coaxing to stay buried between her legs, attacking her gluttonously, like a man afraid he may never be allowed to rest here again.

The boy from the kitchen is standing in the doorway.

Ellen see’s him through her glazed eyes, can see the shock on his face his hesitant posture, like he may bolt back into the kitchen at any moment.

She’s in that place before abandon, her limbs feel light as though Ginos lips and tongue are creating energy, making her weightless, unanchored, and while she’s here she holds the boys gaze.

His huge eye’s remind her of a deer caught in headlights, hypnotised by the scene before him unable to move, but even as he looked terrified she saw his hand move to the front of his trousers, saw his body respond where his mind could not.

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